Episode 27

<Burt slowly opens his eyes. Rain is falling onto his face. He has mud all over his back. He looks very confused.>

Burt: What happened? I feel very dizzy.

<Burt slowly stands up and holds onto Peter's tombstone for balance. He accidently lifts up the tombstone. Burt looks shocked.>

Burt: This thing weighs more than me! How did I pick it up? This lightning bolt has done something to me. I don't feel right.... I must find Scotty.

<Burt slowly walks away. The camera stays focused on Peter's grave...>

Voice 1: Did you get the equipment?

Voice 2: Yes. This New Years is going to be a blast!

Voice 1: You're right about that!!!!!

Danny: Oh hi.

Elaine: How have you been?

Danny: Good. What brings you here?

Elaine: I left a sweater.

Danny: Oh well did you get it?

Elaine: Not yet. I watched some television first. You were on there. You know playing your saxophone.

Danny: Oh yes. I was playing on television wasn't I.

Elaine: Yes. That's probably why I was able to bore myself to sleep so quickly.

Danny: Well I guess leaving me turns you back into a pig.

Elaine: Well actually I'm going to go and get my sweater.

Danny: That's a good idea Elaine.

Elaine: Yes it is.

<Elaine is walking upstairs and Danny says...>

Danny: Stop.

Elaine: What?

Danny: It's just that we can work things out.

Elaine: No we can't.

Danny: Why not?

Elaine: It's too late.

Danny: Why?

Elaine: I'm in love again. Let me be happy.

Danny: Fine be happy. Get your sweater and be happy.

<Danny walks away from the room and Elaine goes upstairs with tears coming down her eyes.>

Dutch: How are you doing Jessica?

Jessica: I guess I'm doing okay for a single woman.

Corinne: I know it's not easy but I believe dad was completely wrong for what he did.

Dutch: I agree. No man or woman should cheat on their wives?

Jessica: How can a woman cheat on her wife?

Dutch: Oh...I didn't mean that. But actually, that's a nice image from the movie I was watching last night....

<Corinne and Jessica look at Dutch.>

Dutch: Well I'm bored without Eunice around here. Plus Billy seemed to like it more than I did.

Jessica: You let a young child like Billy watch pornogranagrams?

Corinne: It's called pornagraphy Ma.

Jessica: Well whatever it is, why is Billy looking at it?

Dutch: He's twenty you know.

Corinne: Yea it's not like he's done it with anyone before?

Jessica: Let's not think about his past teacher Corinne.

Corinne: You're right.

Dutch: But more importantly are you feeling okay?

Jessica: I guess. Chester tries coming into the house every few hours. Saunders has called out El Puerco's Juan's to handle him for the next few days.

Corinne: That's hasty mom.

Jessica: And what he's done hasn't been? Now I hope that you never cheat on Maurice once, much less one thousand times like your father did to me!

Corinne: I'm sorry ma.

Jessica: How is Maurice?

Corinne: He's leaving tomorrow.

Jessica: That's good to know. There aren't enough men around the house?

<The major jumps out of the refrigerator.>

Corinne: Hi gramps!

The Major: Did I just hear that Lieutenant Morinne was coming home from the barracks tomorrow?

Corinne: Yes he is.

The Major: It's been years since I've seen him. He was wounded in Vietnam and they said he'd never be able to move his arms again. A strong fellow I might add. We're going to throw a party.

Corinne: Gramps, he's my husband.

The Major: And let us honor you too. A young woman who has stood by her man all these years. And her friends and older friends <looking at Jessica> are here as well to celebrate his return. Oh what a festivity it will be! By the way, what is your name again?

Corinne: It's me Corinne.

The Major: Oh yes, Corinne. Now for a cake. I wonder what Bently is up to now?

<The major leaves and Corinne, Jessica and Dutch all look at each other strangely.>

Alien Mary: I want my credit card!

Doctor Trombone: You're insane!!! Now go sit in the corner!

<Burt comes in and sees Mary locked in a cage and grabs the guys neck.>

Burt: What have you done to this woman you animal?

Doctor Trombone: Calm down Burt. It's not what you think. She's not your wife. We did a DNA testing. Or at least we tried. You see we just tried getting a blood test from her but look at this blood!

<The doctor pulls up a test tube with green acid looking blood.>

Burt: So she had guacamole today? What's the problem?

Doctor Trombone: This isn't Mary. This isn't human blood. This looks alien.

<Burt looks up and starts screaming.>

Burt: WHERE'S MARY????

Alien Mary: It's me. I'm Mary.

Burt: Tell me where my wife and child is NOW!

Alien Mary: Under the railroad tracks in downtown Hartford. But Burt please take me out of this cage. My shots. If I don't have one in an hour I'm going to evaporate from the face of this earth!

Burt: Good. Doctor, don't let her out of this sight and get a video camera so when she does evaporate we have video proof of alien life and these aliens can be destroyed forever!!!

<Burt starts hearing noises.>

Burt: I can hear the railroad tracks from here. What's going on with me?

Mrs. David: Jodie how are you? Oh my this must be Wendy!!!!!

<Mrs. David hugs Wendy.>

Mrs. David: And who is your lady friend? Is this another homophea?

Jodie: They have a more technical term now and no, she's not that. She's a detective, Maggie.

Mrs. David: Pleasure to meet you? Are you on a case?

Maggie: No, I'm just here to see that things work out okay when Wendy meets Carol.

Mrs. David: Oh well Carol isn't here right now. She's having a sleepover with her cowboy friends.

Jodie: Well when will she be here?

Mrs. David: Tomorrow morning. How about you stay for the night?

Jodie: Maggie what do you say?

Maggie: I guess we can do that.

Mrs. David: Good. Let me get you some lemonade. You know Maggie, Jodie was my first homo.

<Mrs. David walks out.>

Maggie: The stranger they get the more West we travel. Now Dallas, you leave me for a year and call me out of the blue to come with you to Texas. What's with this?

Jodie: I want to make sure nothing happens to Wendy when we visit Carol. I just think she should see her mother. Wendy said yesterday "Carol" and "Mommy".

Maggie: Okay you answered half of my questions.

Jodie: Well the other answer is that I can't have a relationship with you because you're always on the go with mysteries. A mother has to be at home. I just am not good with telling people that.

Maggie: Well it's still unacceptable how you forgot about me. I will however accept that as an apology. Now lets get a good night sleep as I think things will get fishy around here when Carol returns.

Burt: It's over you Alien.

Alien Burt: Mary, it's my twin. I told you about him. He wants to kill us both!

Burt: Mary don't listen to him at all. Please.

Alien Burt: It's Burt Campbell, Mary.

Burt: You're Burt Campbell too!

Mary: I'm so confused!!!

<She passes out.>

Alien Burt: I didn't want to do this but now I am!!!!!

<Alien Burt takes out that weapon and starts charging it up.>

Alien Burt: This one is for you!!!!!

<Alien Burt shoots the weapon and Scotty comes in between it!>

Burt: No Scotty!!!

<Burt shoves Scotty out of the way and the beamer up into Alien Burt. The beams of light hit Alien Burt and the ceiling. The ceiling starts collasping and Alien Burt is lying for his death bed. Burt goes and picks up Mary who is knocked out and Scotty. Each in one hand. With his new extra strength he starts running out. He stops at Alien Burt again. Alien Burt says in a weak voice...>

Alien Burt: He's....your....child.....

<Alien Burt disintegrates. Burt starts flying! He has Mary in one hand and Scotty in the other. A rock falls onto Mary's head again and she has a bump on her head.>

Doctor Tombone: She was hit very hard. We don't know if she has memory loss or any type of brain damage. Don't tell her anything that can change the way she thinks. Children, family, anything. Understand?

Burt: Yes.

<Mary is being pushed on a wheel chair. Burt goes up talking to her.> Burt: How are you Mary?

Mary: Good. How are you?

Burt: I'm good.

<Burt goes to hug Mary and she starts talking again.> Mary: Have we met?

Burt: It's me Burt....

Mary: I'm sorry Burt I don't remember you. Bye Burt....

<Mary gets pushed away and Burt looks sad....>