Episode 32

Billy: Now explain to me how you are my father. My father is Chester Tate.

Man: No you're wrong. You were stolen from me by Chester and Jessica.

Billy: No you are wrong. My parents are Jessica and Chester Tate.

Man: Wrong again! If I hadn't snuck over to this country I would have never seen you again.

Billy: Who are you?

Randolph Gatling: Randolph Gatling. Mary and Jessica's brother.

Billy: But you're Corinne's father!

Randolph: And you are her brother. I am your father and Ingrid Svenson is your mother.

Billy: No this isn't possible!

Randolph: Oh anything's possible my son. Now get in the car.

Billy: Now what makes you think I'd listen to you if I don't even listen to who I really consider to be my father?

Randolph: Because I will simply kill you.

Billy: Well Chester never threatened me like that!

Randolph: Then get in the car!

<Billy gets into the car and Randolf drives off.>

Alice: And my friend Jimmy has a pet turtle. Janet and David make fun of him for it because he looks just like the pet. I never had a pet. I once wanted a dog but mom...I mean Julie is allergic to it. Can we have a dog?

Bryan: No!

Alice: But I thought you were nicer than my parents.

Bryan: There's no room for a dog.

Tina: I need to get a pack of cigarettes. Just wait for me in the car.

Bryan: Do you need any money?

Tina: Why would I buy them? The man is blind in there!

<Alice goes back into the car and Bryan goes in the front seat.>

Alice: Are you stealing cigarettes?

Bryan: It's not really called stealing. We are borrowing them and just forgetting to pay the store back.

Alice: I see.

<Alice plays in the back of the car and accidently rips off the seat next to her. Under the seat is money and a gun. Alice gets nervous and she tries putting the seat back together before Tina comes back. She does it just in time.>

Tina: Got them! Let's get out of this dump!

Alice: Where are we going?

Tina: To some empty lot to rest for the evening. We have a special place to go tomorrow.

Alice: Where?

Tina: The bank.

Alice: I thought the bank is closed on Sunday?

Tina: Oh it is....

Mary: Stop that Jessica.

<Saunders comes in and sees the gun.>

Saunders: I will not get shot again in this house! BENSON! We need your help in here!

Benson: What?

<Mary pulls out a gun.>

Benson: Why does this always happen on my day off? Now blood will get into the carpet and I know Saunders will make sure I'm the one cleaning it out.

Saunders: You're right.

<Saunders leaves room.>

Benson: Mrs. Campbell what are you doing?

Mary: Mrs? I am single. My name is Mary. And I am going to kill Jessica.

Benson: Why?

Mary: I have to.

<Burt crashes into the door wearing an outfit with a can of soup on it saying Campbell's.>

Burt: SUPER SOUP TO THE RESCUE! MARY?!?!?!?!

Jessica: Oh Super Soup thank god you came. My sister is going to kill me.

Burt: What is going on?

<Burt takes the gun from Mary and bends it in half.>

Jessica: Wow you're strong Super Soup.

Benson: Hey Super Soup do you think you could use your super speed and clean the house quickly.

Burt: Some other day Bens.....I mean good butler. I have to take this woman back to where she belongs.

<Burt walks out of the house for a moment and speaks aloud.>

Burt: I am dressed exactly the same as I was before. I'm just wearing this uniform. How come people don't recognize me? Now I know how Clark Kent feels. I should try getting hold of that guy some day.

Eunice: Why?

Dutch: Well you were willing to fight for me. No one has ever fought for me. Sorry Gwen. This was a one time thing.

Gwen: No problem. I got paid, I had a little fun, the time will be cherished between us until I find another man.

Eunice: Just stand on the corner of our house.

Gwen: That's what I was planning on. Bye!

<Gwen leaves.>

Eunice: Oh Dutch! I can't believe we're back together.

Dutch: Neither can I.

Eunice: I Love You Dutch.

Dutch: Thanks.

Eunice: You're not going to say it back?

Dutch: ....

Eunice: I love you.

Dutch: Yea Yea Yea. Goodnight Eunice.

<Dutch turns off the lights and Eunice turns off hers angry and they go back to bed together for the first time in months.>

Doctor Trombone: What do you think you're doing?

Burt: I know what this hospital is up to! I found the implant on Mary! I took it out and amazingly enough she remembers everything again.

Doctor Trombone: I don't know what you're talking about!

<Chief of Police Tinkler comes in with a journal.>

Police Tinkler: I found the records Sheriff Campbell.

Burt: Thanks Tinkler. So Mr. Trombone, you don't know what I'm talking about? Let's read the journal from three days ago. The day Mary was admitted to the hospital!

<Burt opens the journal and reads aloud.>

Burt: Mary Campbell has come in and completely recovered from her amnesia. It seems as if her amnesia lasted over a week but less than three weeks. She looks so beautiful under the light. I'm sure Doctor Kirshner can put an implant in her neck that can emit neurotransmitters to the brain to allow her to only have collective memory and forget about her husband, Burt Campbell. After that is complete we can communicate to her brain and make her do any activity we want. We will make have reason to commit crimes and murders. No one would ever find the chip. This is perfect. Then we can get her husband out of the picture and make her fall in love with me. All from this small chip.

<Burt slams the book down. Doctor Kirshner is taken out in handcuffs from other policemen.>

Burt: You put an implant in her! SHE ALMOST KILLED HER SISTER! YOU SICK PERVERT!

Dr. Trombone: I never meant any harm.

Burt: The hell you didn't! Take him away and lock him behind bars!

Dr. Trombone: Just one thing? How did you find the chip?

Burt: I just did.

<Doctor Trombone is taken away and Burt mumbles his next few words.>

Burt: I had X-Ray Vision and I don't understand why!

<Mary walks out of a room and sees Burt. She runs up to him and hugs him.>

Mary: Burt I've missed you so much!

Burt: I did too.

Mary: Scotty? What happened with him.

Burt: Well the aliens took him and thought he was one of them but it turned out he was a normal child. He was my child.

Mary: I knew he wasn't an alien!

<Burt rolls his eyes.>

Burt: Do you remember anything from the past three weeks?

Mary: No.

Burt: Let's just both forget about it. We have a lot to catch up on!

<Burt and Mary walk out closing the biggest chapter of their lives and possibly of this show.>

Jessica: How do you feel darling?

Corinne: Much better.

<The doorbell rings. Benson walks through the kitchen and Jessica stares at him.>

Benson: You want me to get that?

Jessica: If you don't mind.

Benson: Well I do! Whenever anyone walks into that door havoc occurs. We've had the devil, murderers, revolutionaries, aliens, and the Campbells come through here! There is no way no how I'm opening up this door unless it's Ed McMahon telling me I've been on Candid Camera for the last twenty-five years!

<Benson walks away. Corinne opens the door. Maurice is standing there with burns all over his body and sea-weed coming out from his ears.>

Corinne: Oh my god.

Maurice: Don't say it, I know. I AM INVINCIBLE!

Jessica: Maurice! You're dead!

Maurice: No. I'm just the only one alive from the crash! We landed into the waters of Lake Michigan. It turned out I never wore my seatbelt. I popped open the top exit of the plane while we were sinking. I escaped through the opening and swam to surface before I drowned.

Corinne: But they said there were no survivors!

Maurice: No, they said there were no survivors found. No one found me. I've walked home all these days in hope no one would recognize me just so I could see your face in surprise.

Corinne: I'm surprised.

Maurice: Let's go upstairs and I think you need a cold shower to get rid of your shock. God knows I need a shower too.

<Corinne and Maurice go upstairs.>

Jessica: How wonderful. Everyone has a happy ending today. Eunice and Dutch are together, Corinne and Maurice, Burt and Mary are back together after her amnesia scare and I got to meet Super Soup! What a great day!

<Chester runs in with a piece of paper.>

Jessica: And he always ends up ruining it. Please leave Chester.

Chester: You can't throw me out of this house!

Jessica: And why not?

Chester: It says it right here in the contract!

Jessica: What contract?

Chester: The contract your mother made me sign when I married you.

Jessica: You signed a contract?

Chester: Yes! It was so my father wouldn't be arrested.

Jessica: You signed a contract to marry me?

Chester: It just said I would always live in this house with you as long as The Major, or any of the kids were living in it too. It also said we can never get a divorce.

Jessica: Let me read that!

<Jessica reads the contract.>

Jessica: Well you're not staying in my room. You can stay in the basement.

Chester: And I get meals.

Jessica: If Benson and Saunders will serve it to you.

<The telephone rings.>

Chester: Ah let me get this one.

<Jessica rolls her eyes.>

Chester: Hello? Who did you say you were? Oh my god. What do you want? No, NEVER!

<Chester hangs up the telephone.>

Jessica: Who was that?

Chester: Randolph.

Jessica: Who?

Chester: Your brother.

Jessica: Randolph?

Chester: Yes.

Jessica: Is he here?

Chester: I'm afraid so. And he has Billy with him.

Jessica: Does Billy know?

Chester: I'm afraid so. I knew we should have told him when Corinne was taken in by Ingrid seven years ago.

Jessica: He was too young! We wouldn't tell him anything then.

Chester: That's the problem. And let's not forget that Ingrid doesn't know that Billy is her child and only Randolph did.

Jessica: She was dumb.

Chester: It's not that. It's that she was deported to Ecuador the day after she gave birth to him. Remember? She never even named him. We did! And then Randolph threatened to call the police on your mom so we got him deported too!

Jessica: That's right. It was 20 years ago. What did Randolf want?

Chester: A deal. He will give us Billy back if we make him a deal. I told him what he was asking for was no good and we had no deal.

Jessica: This is for Billy's life! We can give him all the money he wants.

Chester: He doesn't want money.

Jessica: Then what does he want?

Chester: A visa and a termination of our marriage contract. I told him no deal.

Jessica: But this is for Billy!

Chester: I will not let him terminate my contract with you.

Jessica: But we are finished!

Chester: I will not let him terminate our contract and that's my final decision!

<Chester storms out of the house and Jessica puts her head down crying.>