Episode 34

Billy: Who killed my father?

<Everyone looks at each other.>

Billy: I know you saved my life but you killed my father!

<The Major walks in front of everyone and pulls out a gun.>

Major: I killed him lad.

Billy: Gramps? You did it?

Major: Well I was told by that red-head over twenty years ago that this man was an American Spy. I've planned that if I ever saw him again I'd kill him.

Billy: I see Gramps.

Chester: What I want to know is who is constantly giving him the bullets?

<Benson has a guilty look on his face.>

Benson: I did.

Chester: Why would you do a think like that?

Benson: I just hoped that for once instead of shooting at our neigbor Mr. Kirby, he would miss and shoot you.

Chester: Well he didn't miss this time.

Benson: Yes he did. If he nailed the correct shot, Billy's brains would be out and you would be dead too. You know the Major's accuracy is completely off.

Major: Colonel, did you capture the slave?

Chester: Who?

Major: That man. A slave.

<The Major points to Benson.>

Chester: There are no more slaves Major. That is very discriminating.

Benson: Oh who cares. I mean the slaves back in the day who couldn't read or write still had more of a brain than the Major ever will.

Billy: Enough bickering everyone. I'm safe and I want to go home. Let's go home.

Chester: Will you ever forgive us?

Billy: Of course dad.

Bryan: Hey Alice. Want a smoke?

Alice: Dad, I can't. I'm too young.

Tina: No one is too young to smoke.

Alice: I don't want to. What's all that money on the table from?

Tina: Oh this stuff.

Bryan: It's nothing.

Tina: We borrowed it from the bank. Why don't you go upstairs and play?

Alice: I think I will.

<Alice goes upstairs and picks up the telephone. She calls a number.>

Alice: Hi Police? This is Alice Partridg....Martin. I am here to report that I have found where the two robbers of the Connecticut Union State Bank are located at....

<The camera fades to black as Alice is giving in her biological parents.>

Jessica: Mary I'm so glad to see you.

Mary: I know. I decided to drop by. I'm meeting Burt for dinner later tonight.

Jessica: How is Burt?

Mary: Very strange lately.

Jessica: Burt's always been strange Mary.

Mary: I know but different strange.

Corinne: How so?

Mary: He leaves in the middle of the night for like 15 minutes and comes back.

Jessica: Maybe he has something to do?

Mary: He leaves through the window. I can almost guarantee I hear a strong wind behind him when he leaves.

Jessica: Well that's strange.

Mary: I know. And even stranger, I have no idea how he gets down and back up through it.

Jessica: I see.

Corinne: That's never happened with a single man I was ever with. Maurice certainly doesn't do that.

<Eunice comes into the kitchen.>

Corinne: Where were you?

Eunice: The bathroom.

Corinne: The upstairs hall bathroom?

Eunice: Yes, you've been there too?

Corinne: I knocked and Dutch was in there.

Eunice: Well he was.

<Eunice sits down and the ladies look at her.>

Eunice: What? You've never heard of making love in other places.

Mary: We've gone through this discussion before but I've never heard anyone doing it in the bathroom.

Eunice: We don't always do it there.

Corinne: Where else do you do it?

Eunice: Well let me explain this to you. Since me and Dutch got back together our love life has been better than ever. Now we're making up for our lost time by making exciting romance.

Mary: Where else have you done it?

Eunice: The mall, movie theatre, the car.

Jessica: Not my car?

Eunice: In the backseat mom.

Jessica: I sat there once!

Eunice: You're telling me you've never done it somewhere other than your own house?

Mary: Well I did it once on an airplane.

<Everyone looks at Mary.>

Everyone: Airplane?

Mary: There was no one else on it when we were there.

Jessica: Mary that's strange. I once did it during the production of Phantom of the Operah backstage with Chester.

Eunice: That evening we all went there?

Jessica: Yes. Me and Chester made love and then he cheated on me with the star of the show later that night in her dressing room.

Corinne: Sorry ma.

Jessica: It's okay. Corinne, you never told us about you and Maurice.

Corinne: Well me and Maurice haven't done anything crazy like that yet but me and Peter made love on the tennis courts five years ago.

Jessica: I played there.

Mary: No you didn't Jess. You never left the room.

Jessica: I know but I could have played there.

Eunice: You are all making me not feel cheap anymore.

Jessica: You want to feel cheap?

Eunice: Well it makes our passion stronger. I like feeling dirty sometimes.

Corinne: I know exactly what you mean.

Jessica: I don't agree with that. I think me and Chester had our best sex after I take a shower.

<Everyone looks at Jessica.>

Jessica: Well I couldn't imagine having sex with Chester all dirty.

Eunice: That wasn't what I meant mother.

Jessica: What did you mean?

Eunice: Nevermind.

<Benson walks in and drops the mail all over the table.>

Benson: Mail call. And Mrs. Tate, please don't drop crumbs on the floor, I just washed it earlier.

Jessica: Sorry Benson.

<Eunice reads a letter and her mouth opens wide.>

Eunice: You will never believe this but we just won a free trip in the Carribean.

Jessica: What are you talking about?

Eunice: Dear Winners, your family and its closest friends have won a free prepaid cruise in the Carribean. It will be for three weeks. All expenses are paid for and we expect you to reach us at our local offices if you are going to accept this prize.

Mary: Oh my. That sounds simply amazing!

Jessica: Well I think we should all go. Eunice please call the company and tell them to book us on the cruise. Mary maybe you can have Burt call the Martins and invite them to come along too.

Mary: What a marvelous idea!

Corinne: This will be so much fun. I've always wanted to go on a cruise!

Eunice: Not to mention I've never done it on a boat before....wait yes I have.

<Everyone looks at Eunice and the camera fades to black.>

Jodie: Mrs. David you will never guess what just happened?

Mrs. David: What?

Jodie: The Tates won a free trip on a cruise and we are all invited. That includes you!

Mrs. David: Oh I couldn't go with. I'm barely family.

Jodie: You are Wendy's grandmother, of course I want you to come.

Mrs. David: Oh well then I most certainly will. And Jodie I want to tell you that I'll be happy to go back to Texas whenever you feel is good.

Jodie: Well you can stay as long as you want. I promised you that.

Mrs. David: Well then I'm going to have to extend my vacation here a few weeks after our cruise.

Jodie: Wonderful....

Mrs. David: Well I'm going to take a nice nap. I haven't yet adjusted to this time zone. When I wake up I'll make some of my nice lemonade.

Jodie: Thank you.

Mrs. David: Why of course!

<Mrs. David goes upstairs and Danny and Elaine walk down holding hands.>

Danny: Hey Jodie what's up?

Jodie: We won a free cruise with The Tates and the Martins.

Elaine: Are you kidding me?

Jodie: No! But we have a more serious problem.

Danny: Its okay Jodie, I'm also afraid of pirates attacking our boat.

Jodie: It's not that.

Elaine: There's no such thing as a pirate anyways.

Danny: What are you talking about? If pirates didn't exist then how would I have known to dress up as one on Halloween when I was 7?

<Jodie and Elaine just stare at Danny.>

Elaine: Ummm so Jodie what's the problem?

Jodie: Mrs. David won't leave the house. I'm taking on the cruise too.

Danny: Oh she's so nice.

Jodie: She also won't let me near my daughter. She holds her all day and sleeps in her room.

Elaine: I think it's sweet.

Jodie: I think she thinks she's the mother. I swear if Wendy starts sounding like her there will be a problem!

Danny: Well I didn't want to tell you this Jodie, but I think Mrs. David has the hots for Bob.

Elaine: How do you know.

Danny: Well Bob told me she keeps on spying on him at night.

Jodie: And did Chuck see this?

Danny: Well Chuck's sleeping at the time. But if he was up I'm sure he would testify.

Jodie: I have to get rid of her.

Elaine: I got a plan!!! On the cruise you will do something to make her never want to return to this house.

Jodie: Like what?

<Elaine starts whispering to Danny and Jodie her idea and the camera fades to black.>

To Be Continued....