Episode 36

Jessica: Everybody, are you ready? It's time to go! The limo will be here any moment.

<Saunders comes in with his suitcase.>

Saunders: I greatly appreciate this vacation Mrs. Tate.

Jessica: Oh Saunders it's our pleasure.

<Benson comes in too.>

Benson: Oh you invited this man to come along? Mrs. Tate do you really believe he's been part of the family long enough to enjoy this vacation?

Saunders: Let me have you know, for two years I straightened this house around when you were off enjoying yourself at the Governors Mansion!

Benson: Please like that wasn't difficult! I had to deal with some women who had an even more annoying accent than Ingrid Svenson!

<Chester comes in ready to leave.>

Chester: I'm here Jessica and ready to come with.

Benson: Oh please don't tell me you invited this joke to come along!

Chester: She did! I deserve to go on this vacation just as much as any of you.

Benson: Yes because you actually have a job that you deserve a vacation from.

Chester: I have a job.

Saunders: He does. You can see the ladies outside of the poolhouse taking their ticket number for their oppointments with Chester every night.

<Jessica looks at Chester.>

Chester: I'm a certified nurse now Jessica! In prison five years ago I took some classes. I just take their pulse and crap like that.

Jessica: Oh Chester I never knew.

Chester: It's okay Jessica. Just out of curiousity, who is going to be watching the house while we are gone? We can't leave daddy here by himself.

Jessica: Don't worry, I got him a house sitter.

<The doorbell rings and everyone looks at Saunders and Benson.>

Benson: We're on vacation!

<Jessica opens the door and El Puerco comes in.>

El Puerco: How nice of you to let me watch the house and the Major during your vacation. It is an honor Mrs. Tate. If you lay one hand on red I will rip off every finger from you when you come back home.

Jessica: Kids! Come on let's go the limo is here!

<Everyone leaves the house and El Puerco is all alone. He sits on the couch and rope falls on top of him. He is completely covered by it! The Major comes out from the dining room and starts tying him up.>

El Puerco: What's the meaning of this?

The Major: You rebel! I finally caught you! I knew all along you were a spy when you were first brought into this house! No one is here to save you now!

El Puerco: You are crazy!

The Major: Well yea....but you're coming with me!

El Puerco: Where are you taking me???????

<The camera goes to a dog-pound now. El Puerco is locked in a cage.>

The Major: I found him on my couch at home. He doesn't even have a leash on. Take good care of him.

Pound Owner: Oh we will.

The Major: Now where did I put the keys for the tank?

Jessica: Oh I do wish we could have taken Daddy with us.

Chester: Oh Jessica you remember last time we took him with us on a vacation, he kidnapped the owner of the hotel we stayed at and took hostage all the cooks. We're not allowed back at Holiday Inn's.

Jessica: That is true. Now everyone here are the keys. We should all be roomed near each other. Take your keys.

<Jessica gives Chester a key.>

Chester: Do you also have a key for our room?

Jessica: Eh?

Chester: Well shouldn't we have two keys?

Jessica: Chester we're not sharing a room. In fact, our rooms are on two separate ends of the ship. I planned it that way.

Chester: But I thought we were starting over.

Jessica: Yes we are, as friends Chester.

Chester: Well what about as lovers?

Jessica: I don't date liars. You must prove to me you are going to be faithful if we get back tog.....

<Chester is eyeing a lady on the deck.>

Jessica: Chester....

Chester: Yes dear, as you were saying?

Burt: Yea Mary. Wanna take a look at the ceiling now too?

<Burt slams the door and pushes her on the bed and starts kissing her.>

Mary: Oh not now Burt. There is so much to do that I don't think we're going to have any time for that kind of stuff this entire vacation.

Burt: Haha Mary that's funny.

Mary: I'm being completely serious. We're going to take walking tours, dance all night. The last place I want to be is stuck in some room.

<Someone knocks on the door. Burt answers it. Chuck is there.>

Burt: Yes?

Chuck: Oh guys.....I'm glad I found you. I think I lost Bob.

Burt: You lost him?

Chuck: Well he was sitting down in our room and the next thing I know, he was gone. He was talking about how the floorboard on the deck possibly being from a relative but I didn't think he would go and check it out.

Mary: Well maybe he's on the deck. You should go check it out.

Chuck: That's a good idea!

<Chuck leaves.>

Mary: Burt, he better find a girl.

Burt: I know, I don't think Bob is drawing the chicks like he used to.

Mary: Has Chuck ever had a dating life?

Burt: Well there were those 15 years I never saw him when he was in Hawaii. He must have dated then.

Mary: I certainly hope so.

<Burt goes to close his door but Tom walks in.>

Tom: Howdy neighbor.

Burt: Why hello Tom. Are we neigbors?

Tom: Yes right next door. I just came by to let you know that if you need anything we're just a knock away!

Mary: Why thanks.

Tom: Also, Julie is 7 months pregnant as we all know and she takes strolls in the middle of the night so don't be alarmed if you hear her or if she disturbs you during your private time.

Burt: Trust me, she won't be disturbing anything.

<Mary elbows him.>

Tom: Well it looks like you have a lot of unpacking left to do. I'll let you be. Also, my kids are sharing a room across the hallway so there probably will be screaming from their room.

Burt: Well thanks Tom.

Tom: No problem.

<Tom leaves and Burt and Mary stare at each other.>

Mary: Oh look at this menu. Tonight is a 7-course welcome meal. I can't wait. They out with a vegetable, fruit, salad, and a Super Soup.

Burt: A what?

Mary: They call it Super Soup. I guess they named it after that strange hero in Conneticut.

Burt: Yea, word must have gotten around that some guy thinks he's Superman.

Mary: Have you ever seen him? I could have sworn I once saw him outside once.

Burt: Nah. I don't believe in Superheroes. Yea, Superheroes, Ghosts, Witches, Midgets and Gremlins. Don't believe in them. Well I occassionaly believe in ghosts.

Mary: Oh ok. Well we better un-pack. I want to tour the ship.

Eunice: I wish I had some of that.

Dutch: Eunice!

Eunice: Oh well don't worry, I'm completely satisfied with what's behind our bedroom door too.

Dutch: Oh Eunice, that's so sweet. This vacation will be great. I've been saving a pretty penny too. I think I'm going to spend it all on a big souvenir.

Eunice: Just how much money do you have that you consider a pretty penny.

Dutch: $74,000.

Eunice: Have you been robbing any banks?

Dutch: Oh hell no. My Aunt Doris passed away a few months ago and left the entire family a lump sum of money. I guess I forgot to tell you since you left me for a night of passion with every other man in Dunn's River.

Eunice: I really wish you wouldn't make it sound like that.

Dutch: Sorry baby. Hey wanna go back to our room?

Eunice: I'm not in the mood....

Dutch: I'll let you look at my checkbook while we do it. I know that would excite you.

Eunice: Oh well I guess we could spare 15 minutes.....

Dutch: Oh I'll only need 10.

Eunice: Yea but if I have something like a checkbook to look at then I won't have to fake anything so you can take your time.

Dutch: Oh ok!

<Eunice and Dutch leave as Danny, Elaine and Jodie walk into the bar.>

Jodie: So did you steal Bob?

Elaine: Yea. It's very creepy actually holding onto him. I mean I wonder what Chuck is going through right now.

Danny: It would be good for him to get away from the doll. Plus when he comes back, his whole body will be tanned. You know, his right arm would be left in Bob all day, a part of him wouldn't be getting any color. But boy, Bob will certainly get some sun. He's actually pretty tan as it is. Notice how he never loses his color?

<Eunice and Jodie just look at him like he's an idiot.>

Jodie: Well...let's just wait for Mrs. David to come down here like I asked her to and give her a real scare.

Elaine: This should be good....

Westers: We really do need a vacation.

Johnson: Yes definately. Hiding out in those woods for 6 months were brutal. And it was definately unnecessary.

Westers: Well since we're starting a new life, what should we do? Johnson: Well I'm thinking of changing my name. This way we never get caught by the cops again. How about Ron Jonson?

Westers: That's the same name idiot.

Johnson: No it's not. I'm taking the "H" out of my last name. Now it's spelled Jewish.

Westers: Jews spell Jonathan without an "H" not Johnson! It doesn't make any sense. Now I remember why we stopped crime, you couldn't spell, read or write.

Johnson: I could write.

Westers: Not with letters and numbers!

<As they bicker Billy walks by not noticing them. Westers notices him and so does Johnson.>

Johnson: Did you see that?

Westers: That was the youngest Tate!

Johnson: I thought it was him! What is he doing here?

Westers: The family must be on this boat. What are the chances of that?

Johnson: I think it's a sign.

Westers: A what?

Johnson: A sign. I think god wants us to go back to crime.

Westers: What do you mean?

Johnson: He has us on a boat with The Tates and probably the Martins and Campbell's too. He wants us to rob and kill them.

Westers: And you get that because we are on the same boat as a coincidence?

Johnson: Of course!

Westers: Well actually I wouldn't mind going back into crime. The Tate's weren't that bright with the exception of that Benson.

Johnson: Boy would I like to get my hands on Benson. Boy did he use words I couldn't understand.

Westers: Big Bird uses words you can't understand Johnson....

Johnson: Well either way, let's make a pact. By tomorrow night, all three families, are dead!

Westers: Yea!!!