SOAP: The Alternate Reality - Episode 9

Tates House

<Eunice is looking out the window waiting for the arrival of the Martins.>

Saunders: Well I just got off the phone with Mr. Tate and the he is returning home any moment. He is picking up Jessica from jail. Burt was able to release her until the trial begins.

Benson: Saunders I would appreciate it if you could open up the gate and allow the Martins to come in.

Eunice: You know Benson I'm not really a big fan of meeting new people, well at least not new families.

Benson: Well hopefully they can last through dinner with all of you.

<The camera switches to Burt and Mary talking.>

Burt: Mary please do me a favor and not bring up any discussion about Scotty. These are new people and it's best if we leave a positive impression on them.

Mary: Fine Burt, then don't try to make yourself invisible.

<Danny pulls Burt away from Mary.>

Danny: Burt you and Mom seem to have a lot of tension between each other lately.

Burt: Oh don't worry, you're mother is just crazy and we all know she's got the greatest guy on earth.

Elaine: No Burt, I got the greatest guy on earth.

<Elaine and Danny start kissing and Benson opens the door for the Martins to come in.>

Benson: I'd like you all to meet Tom Martin and his family.

Tom: It's a pleasure to meet you all again and here is my family. This is my wife Julie, my daughter Alice and my two sons Michael and Robert.

Jodie: You've got a wonderful family.

Tom: Thank you. And who must you be?

Jodie: I'm Jodie Dallas. I don't think we had the pleasure of meeting each other last time. But you look like a very nice man.

<Burt slaps Jodie across the back.>

Burt: (whispering) He's married, don't try a thing..... So Benson what's for dinner?

Benson: Well I haven't had much time to cook lately but I did bring out a nice platter of peanuts. Saunders, what did you cook for the evening?

Saunders: Well Benson I assumed you'd be the master cook showing off tonight but since I saw nothing was brewing in the kitchen I had a few moments to call up and order some pizza and fried chicken.

Mary: Wow Saunders, you sure know how to handle a crisis.

<The camera moves outside in the Tates lawn.>

Westers: What is Tom Martin doing back here?

Johnson: You can see through the windows with the binoculars?

Westers: Yes. You can't see a thing?

Johnson: It's so far away.

<Johnson has his binoculars on backwards so everything seems distant.

Westers turns them around and shoves them into his eyes so Johnson falls off his stool.

Westers: Now Johnson, this may be tricky but if our plans work as they should Elaine will most likely need to use the bathroom during the evening. I have already taken off the window on the side so it will be easy to get in and take her out. I have also installed soundproof insulators so when she screams, and you know she will, no one in the house will hear her.

<The camera goes back to everyone eating pizza and chicken. Benson and Saunders are also sitting down at the table eating. Chester and Jessica have not arrived yet. Tom who is sitting next to Benson whispers in his ear.>

Tom: We're not done yet, you know that right?

Benson: Yes I unfortunately do. But for now let's have a nice meal and wait to get information on their next attack.

Tom: Well they framed Jessica isn't that enough?

Benson: There's no way Jessica will be found guilty and after that she could help lead the police to their traces.

Tom: Good idea.

Elaine: I have to excuse myself.

<Elaine leaves the dinner table.>

Julie: So what do all of you do?

Burt: Well I'm the sheriff of Dunn's River.

Julie: Oh what a wonderful job you have done.

Michael: Mom didn't you say that because of all the crackpots in town if you ever met the man running the place you'd say a few words to him???

Julie: (looking embarrassed) Ummm yes, and it is to keep up the good work!

Jodie: I direct commercials and my brother Danny is the deputy.

Mary: I take care of our youngest child now, Scotty who is almost two.

Burt: And might I add, he's a perfectly normal two year old human boy.

Julie: Well I would hope so. Have you heard about these cults where people insist their child is an alien and they try to call out spaceships to take their children. The world has gone crazy!

Burt: Hahah! Mary you hear that. Crazy people out here. I'm glad I know none of them....

Julie: And what do you do.....Eunice?

Eunice: Well I'm currently not working as my husband, in Tate family tradition is supposed to provide me with the money. But don't bother asking him what he does, he's currently working on being a full time bum.

Dutch: Oh yes Eunice, a bum. I forgot Mrs. Martin to add how Eunice's day job is being a spoiled princess who in reality is just a bit...

Eunice: That's enough dear, we don't want to leave a bad impression on our new friends.

Alice: So I hear your loaded?

Tom: Alice!

Eunice: Oh that's quite all right. Yes, dear, we once did have money.

Danny: What's keeping Elaine? I'll check on her.

Tom: So.....Benson seems to tidy up the house very nicely.

Julie: You got a wonderful house.

Eunice: Well thank you. I've lived in it my whole life. Me and my sister Corinne use to play hide and seek all day long.

Julie: Oh you have a sister?

Eunice: Yes but she currently lives in California and I also have a brother somewhere.....

Dutch: Yes, he wants to believe he's all grown up so he has to live on his own out in the city.

Julie: That sounds very exciting.

<Jessica and Chester come in and Eunice runs up to give her mother a hug and Mary gives Jessica a hug too.>

Jessica: I'm home for the evening. It's wonderful to see you again Tom.

Tom: The pleasure is mine. I'd like to introduce you to my family. This is my wife, Julie and my children, Alice, Robert and Michael.

Chester: <Whispering to Jessica> He's in my chair.

Jessica: Don't worry about it.

Chester: Excuse me Mr. Tom Martin, I do believe you are in my chair.

Burt: Oh Chester just let the man sit there, he saved your life!

Chester: But I'm the head of the house and I deserve to sit there!

Jessica: So we got Mr. Maloo to defend me in trial and he says it should be a simple battle and I will definitely not lose.

Chester: Jessica you just interrupted my argument with Tom!

Jessica: Chester you are embarrassing me. Please find another seat.

Burt: Your wife has a point Chester.

Chester: Burt, please be smart like our new friend Tom, shut up and sit down.

Burt: Oh so now you're going to be fresh to me again. Hmmm, why don't you just grab some pizza Chester and relax I mean if you didn't eat a lot of candy bars on the way to the house in the car.

Chester: Don't you make fun of me jerk!

<Chester grabs a slice of pizza and throws it into Burt's face. The crust falls off and cheese slides down his chin.>

Robert: I was going to eat that fat man!

<Robert throws a slice of pizza at Chester's face.>

Jessica: Oh Chester look at what you've started.

Chester: Jessica, Burt was making fun of m.....

<Chester gets hit across the head with a drumstick. Burt starts cracking up laughing. Everyone starts throwing food around in the house and Danny comes in concerned.

Burt: What's wrong?

Danny: Elaine's missing!

Boston

<Billy is having dinner at a fancy seafood restaurant. A waiter comes up to Billy and begins talking to him.>

Waiter: I will have to ask you for some ID sir.

Billy: You have the nerve to ask me? The famous Billy Tate for identification? Well, here you go sir, here's my ID. If I do get asked such a silly question again, being the age of 21 and only needing to be the age of 18 to eat in here I will have to call over the manager to complain about your annoyances.

Waiter: That's not a problem sir, but it says you're only 20.

Billy: Well I guess that just shows why I'm the man ordering and you're the man serving. You obviously can't add. I'll have a broiled lobster and a coke.

Waiter: Is that all?

Billy: Do I look like a horse?

Waiter: I was just asking mister.

Billy: Well then that is all. Thank you.

<The waiter leaves.>

Billy: The first time I try to pull the age of 21 scam and it has be to the one illegal alien in this restaurant who can read! Tomorrow I start my first day at the office and then I will make my own fortune. The family will be proud. I should really call them. They must be worried about me.

<Billy pulls out his cellphone as the waiter comes over and gives him his food.>

Billy: Wow this looks even better than Benson's food! The family can wait!!

Announcer: What impression have the Martins received of the Tates and Campbell's? Will Billy live the life of luxury he's only dreamed of? Will Danny get back Elaine? Will Jessica win her trial? And will the families ever be functional again? These questions and many others many be answered in the next episode of

SOAP!