Washington D.C.

Narrator: We begin this episode in Washington D.C. where Mary has a meeting with the X-Files.

<The camera goes inside a dark office where Mary is sitting down and making herself comfortable. Agent Scully and Agent Doggett walk in.>

Dana Scully: Hello you must be Mrs. Campbell. I'm Agent Dana Scully and this is my partner, Agent Doggett. Now what can we assist you with?

Mary: Well you see my child....my baby...Scotty....me and my husband we had a baby but the baby may not be from my husband but from another man who looks like my husband. They were identical.

Agent Doggett: Are they identical twins?

Mary: No. Burt went and he came. I never knew they were two but thought one so I did with both what I do with Burt because he went woosh <Mary snaps her fingers.>

<Agent Doggett pulls Agent Scully away.>

Agent Doggett: Why did they let this woman in here?

Agent Scully: I know she seems strange but maybe there's something else she wants to tell us.

Agent Doggett: Like she's been drinking.

Mary: Well my husband was on a spaceship and his double was down and I did with both when I thought they were one and now Scotty flies.

Agent Scully: Now calm yourself. Is there any proof of him flying?

Mary: Bob saw him.

Agent Scully: Bob?

Mary: My son's puppet.

Agent Doggett: And was your son in the room?

Mary: Well no, he was taking a nap but Bob is very reliable when it comes to that....

Agent Scully: Well Mrs. Campbell, I'm sure everything is just fine and most mothers are concerned that their child might be an alien at time or another. We will call you if we hear anything else?

Mary: Thank you. I appreciate it.

<Mary leaves and Scully and Doggett look at each other.>

Doggett: She has got to be the strangest person to ever come into here.

Scully: And she seems to be telling the the truth.....

Doggett: Well we aren't going to get back to her?

Scully: Oh god no. That woman was crazy!

Atlantic City

<Inside a dark room the Martin family are all tied up. Westers and Johnson are sitting in a chair with a gun pointed at them.>

Westers: Relax, you're twenty floors above one of the nicest casino's in Atlantic City. The stakes are high and no one would ever bet that a family would be murdered in this hotel!

Julie: Well they would if I scream.

Johnson: Oh please don't. The security office is down the hall. Damn front desk didn't even listen to our request to be far away from them.

Westers: Well Johnson you shouldn't have made yourself out to be a criminal like you did out there. You know, showing them the suitcase full of money.

Johnson: Like it was my fault. You told me to carry it!

Westers: You are an idiot aren't you?

Julie: The security office will hear me scream then!

Westers: Please don't. We'll do anything.

Julie: Okay.... let me take some money out of my purse and go gambling. You can even follow me each step of the way so you see I'm not escaping.

Westers: That's fair. But once we kill you we are taking your winnings.

Julie: If I'm dying I want to have fun for the last hour of it. I also want the children in the other bedroom for the time being. This way they relax without having a gun up their nose.

Johnson: That seems fair.

Westers: Hold my gun Johnson, I'll move the children into the other room.

<Westers is moving the kids into the other room while Julie is going into her purse. She crashes her purse against Johnson's head. Westers comes in at that exact time and the gun goes off winging Wester's in the arm. Westers goes down in pain and Julie punches out Johnson. At that same time Tom and Benson run in. Julie gives Tom a hug.>

Julie: Tom! Benson!!!

<Julie kisses Tom as Benson ties up Westers with rope that was lying on the floor from the kids being tied up.>

Julie: Thank you Benson. The kids are in the other room. Can you take them out.

Benson: No problem.

Julie: You found us! I thought we would be dead.

Tom: So did I Julie...

<Tom and Julie kiss again as the Martin kids walk in.>

Michael Martin: Ewwww get a room!

Tom: We are in one, you can get lost if you want son.

Benson: What's that suitcase?

Julie: It's the Tate money!

<Benson opens it up and looks at it and slams the suitcase right at Westers face.>

Benson: Where's the real money???? It's counterfeit!!!

Westers: Are you kidding me?

Benson: NO! What did you do with their money????

Westers: Ask Johnson. He got the bills for it. The banks just cashed us a receipt to claim the money. JOHNSON GET UP YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!

Johnson: What Westers? <Johnson looks and sees Benson and Tom there and the family un-tied.> Uh-oh....

Westers: What happened to the money you got from the bank?

Johnson: Ummmmm remember Slither? Our old bank buddy in the Bronx?

Westers: Yea?

Johnson: Well he saw I had a huge suitcase filled with $100 bills so offered to trade me these bills for the new $300 bill. That way it would weigh less and look less suspicious. I mean Westers I don't like carrying millions of dollars on the bus with me.

Westers: You're more than an idiot. You are the dumbest man on earth! I knew I should have just rigged Leslie out of jail and turned you in!!!!!!!

Benson: The Tate money is lost. You're an arrested idiot!

<Police Officer Tinkler comes in with his men and they handcuff Westers and Johnson. They carry them out one by one. Westers kicks Johnson along the way.>

Julie: Benson if there's anything we can do.

Benson: It's no problem. Just keep in touch.

Julie: Of course we will!

Benson: Well this is horrible. I thought if we found the money it would prove Jessica innocent. Now we're no where except for that bank card. I just hope Burt finds something quickly!

Campbells House

<Elaine is reading a magazine on the couch as Jodie is walking downstairs with Danny following him.>

Jodie: For the last time Danny, NO!

Danny: Please?

Jodie: NO!

Elaine: What?

Jodie: Danny wants me to have a stripper come over here for the evening. He thinks we're going to have sex. Danny I am a father, I obviously have already had sex! I know this may sound odd to you but I'm not in the mood to do it again.

Danny: How?

Jodie: I'm going out of the house.

Danny: Wait Jodie!

Jodie: What?

Danny: I paid good money for this. You can at least talk to her.

Jodie: Fine.... but there will be no sexual relationship between us.

Danny: Did I ever ask for any?

Jodie <Looking at Danny annoyed>: If you haven't realized, I'm a gay father. If they see a gay father sleeping with hookers Wendy could be taken away from me. So I'm not going through with this, even if I wanted to.

Danny: They won't take Wendy from you. I'm the Deputy and this can be our secret.

Jodie: NO!

<The doorbell rings. Danny answers it and a lady in a trenchcoat and a big purse walks in.>

Stripper: I'm looking for a Jodie Dallas?

Jodie: <With a deepened voice> That's me.

Stripper: Oh.... let me just change. Can I go in the other room?

Jodie: Sure.

Danny: I'll be leaving. Elaine lets see a movie.

Elaine: Why would I want to go out with you. Wouldn't you rather want to visit the abandoned elementary school?

Danny: Well starting to think about it...yes!

<Danny leaves the house.>

Jodie: Elaine what do I do?

Elaine: You have time to run.

Jodie: No Danny did pay for this.

Elaine: Fine Jodie here's what I'm going to do for you. I can't stand seeing you like this. Come over here.

<Jodie walks over. Elane grabs his hands and kisses him for a good thirty seconds. The stripper walks in the room.>

Stripper: Ummm should I leave because you have seemed to have found someone else....

Jodie: Ummmm yes go....

<The stripper leaves.>

Jodie: That never happened.

Elaine: It did.

Jodie: No for Danny's sake it never happened.

Elaine: I know. But how was it?

Jodie: It was....great.

Elaine: We still can't tell him.

Jodie: Ever.

Elaine: That's fine by me.

Jodie: Okay that's fine.

Elaine: So what do we do?

Jodie: Forget about what ever happened.

Elaine: I don't know if I can.

Jodie: Then try.

Elaine: But you liked it?

Jodie: Yes.

Elaine: Then you got the answer to what you were looking for?

Jodie: I don't know....

Tate House

<The Campbells, Martins, and Tate families are all having a party because of the unfortunate execution Jessica will be sustaining the very next day. People who are missing from the party are Mary and Burt. Mary is still trying to get home from Washington D.C. and Burt is nowhere to be found.>

Eunice: Mother I hope you're enjoying the party. Me and Corinne have been planning it for a while.

Jessica: It's a lovely party.

Dutch: I helped too!

Eunice: But in separate rooms from me....

<Maurice goes over to Corinne.>

Maurice: Boy does this family know how to throw a party!

Corinne: Yes but hopefully nothing strange will occur tonight.

<The scene switches to Chuck walking over to the Martins.>

Bob: Mrs. Martin long time no see. The shower's open upstairs care to join?

<Julie slaps Bob across the face and his head flies into the fruitpunch bowl. The Major is about to get a drink when the head makes the fruitpunch splash all over his uniform.>

Major: We're under attack!!!!

<The Major jumps out the window. The camera goes over to Jodie and Danny.>

Danny: So how was she?

Jodie: We spent about thirty minutes together?

Danny: Wow you are quick!

Jodie: Well that was all the time you paid for wasn't it?

Danny: No...I had her rented out for a full hour!

Jodie: Oh well.

Danny: Well did you enjoy her?

Jodie: Danny I don't think I have to answer that!

Danny: I spent a lot of money on this. I think you can answer me.

Jodie: I enjoyed my time.

Danny: I knew you weren't a homosexual!

Jodie: This doesn't mean a thing. I'm still very confused.

Danny: You won't be after tonight when I get her back!

Jodie: No don't do that. I need to settle this on my own.

Danny: Fine Jodie. Just remember I still have her number.

<Jodie walks away to talk with Billy and Elaine eyes him but when Danny comes she stops staring and talks to him. The camera goes to the doors where Eunice and Corinne are standing.>

Corinne: Everybody me and Eunice have a special surprise.

Eunice: Since it may be the last time we see mother we decided that we'd bring back the loves of mom's life.

Corinne: So....behind Door Number 1 we have E. Ronald Mallu!!!

<They open the door and he comes in with a dozen roses.>

Mr. Mallu: Oh Jessica darling I'm so sorry I lost the case for you. I can make it up for you any time. Marry me, I have a priest in the car.

Jessica: I can't do that.

Mr. Mallu: Oh I didn't know Tate was a Jewish name. We'll call a rabbi!

Jessica: I'm married.

Chester: To me. So Mr. Mallu this isn't a time for you to cause any more grief than we already have here.

Jessica: It was nice of you to visit me.

Mr. Mallu: Anytime Jessica, anytime!

Eunice: Well behind the door now is one of Jessica's former loves. It is none other than Carlos "El Puerco" Valdez!

<El Puerco runs in kissing Jessica's hand. Chester pulls them away.>

El Puerco: OH redddd I've been waiting for you for the longest time.

Jessica: I told you to never come back to this house El!

Chester: So did I!

El Puerco: And as I recall it, we never really had our duel did we?

Chester: No. You want a duel?

El Puerco: I'd rather have Jessica.

Chester: You can't have her!

El Puerco: Then I want a duel.

Chester: That's too late.

El Puerco: Then I want red!

Chester: You can have neither just get out!

<El Puerco goes off to where Mr. Mallu is standing.>

Corinne: Well this former love was actually the detective looking for Chester's body. Instead he found her. Please welcome Detective Donohue!

<Detective Donohue comes in and accidently trips over the rung. He gets up but knocks down the mantle on the Tate's railing.>

Detective Donohue: I'm sorry about that but you really shouldn't seem surprised. Jessica why do you even have pork belly still living under the same roof. I could have provided so much for you.

Jessica: But I loved both of you.

Detective Donohue: You made the wrong choice Jessica. I loved you very much.

Chester: So do I!

Detective Donohue: Liar!

Chester: Idiot!

Detective Donohue: Fatso!

Chester: Why I!!!

<Donohue and Chester start shoving each other and they are split up. Donohue moves over to El Puerco and Mr. Mallu.>

Eunice: And finally, recently released after 15 years of rehabilitation, another former love, Dr. Alan Posner!

Jessica: Oh Chester I love this game! It's just like playing Let's Make a Deal! I want what's behind Door Number 4!

<Dr. Alan Posner walks in with a cast around his arm. He goes and stares directly at Chester's eyes.>

Jessica: Chester I don't think Alan likes you.

Chester: Do you blame him? He lost you to me.

Dr. Alan Posner: I could kill you Tate.

Chester: Just try me!

Dr. Alan Posner: She was actually doing fine when she was seeing me!!!

Jessica: Boys, boys, I'm going to be executed tomorrow, this isn't about both of you this is about me. Now I'm going to die tomorrow. No cure can be found. No one can save me. I've been set up and this time there's no way to find a way to save me. I know no one in this house did it like Peter's murder but we also know it was Westers and Johnson. Unfortunately there is no way to turn the evidence around against me so please men just calm down and enjoy the party. Alan on the right corner is where the rest of my former lovers are. Please join them. Chester, you should know better than this.

Chester: I'm sorry Jessica.

Dr. Alan Posner: <whispering in Chester's ear> I will get you.

<Burt enters the house with a sheet of paper and a pen.>

Burt: Great news everybody! We found evidence that Jessica never commited the crime. Chester we found your bankcard and were able to trace the bank transactions to the day Jessica was blindsided and put into the hospital last October. I checked everything out and this case is being thrown out. You're innocent Jessica!

<Everyone is expressing their hapiness and hugging Jessica. Mallu, Posner, Donohue and El Puerco are all shoving each other to get to her first.>

Jessica: Uh Burt. Where's Mary?

Burt: On an alien hunt, she's crazy you know?

Chester: What about Westers and Johnson?

Burt: They are arrested on attempted murder of the Martin family.

Chester: Not theft?

Burt: There's no legal proof since they actually got robbed themselves. Sorry Chet but you're money is gone....

<The camera switches over to the corner in which Jessica's old lovers are standing.>

Donohue: Okay let me get this straight, I was around the spring of '79 until the fall. Alan Posner: I was in '80 until the fall when I took the fall off the hospital room.

El Puerco: I was here in '80-'81.

Mr. Mallu: And I was here in '77-'78 and '80 but trust me if the ratings didn't slump I would have returned for another court case....

Donohue: To the former lovers reunited again twenty years later!

<They all put their glasses of wine together as if Donohue made a toast.>

A mansion in the mountaintops somehwere unknown

<A man delivers a package full of money on a table. When the camera looks up sitting there is Tibbs, The Godfather and Mr. Lefkowitz and some other men.>

Mr. Lefkowitz: Is this all of it?

The Godfather: It looks like we finally got revenge on that family.

Tibbs: The crime scene may have gone down but they will sooner or later find out that the biggest groups of organized crime has formed a union to take out everyone in our way.

The Godfather: Those Tates will never see the money again.

Mr. Lefkowitz: Those idiots Westers and Johnson never even knew we would rat them out in the end. I mean leaving Chester Tates bank card right at the scene of the crime was ingenious.

Tibbs: They won't be fouling up anything else again now that they are in jail!

<All the members of the organized crime are laughing as the shown ends.>

Now that Jessica is free what will she do next? Will Mary ever face the reality that Scotty might just be normal? Will Eunice and Dutch eventually resolve their differences? Will Johnson and Westers ever return? Has organized crime foiled everybody once again? Will Jodie and Elaine ever bring up their kiss again? If Danny finds out they kissed what will he do? These questions and many others might be answered in the next episode of

SOAP!