Corinne: Are we going anywhere?

Maurice: No I am.

Corinne: And where is that?

Maurice: I'm visiting my parents on the West Coast.

Corinne: Is this a tradition?

Maurice: Yes. Now I haven't told them yet that we're married. Since they don't have the money to fly out I thought I'd tell them after, you know, so they don't have to feel bad about not being able to afford to be here.

Corinne: I understand that I guess. I guess I'm not coming either.

Maurice: The flight is booked. Don't worry, I'll call you the second I get there.

Corinne: Okay, bye honey.

Radio Announcer: We do expect a severe snow-storm to hit us this Christmas Day and evening and all the way into tomorrow morning. Downpours could range locally from a foot to over three feet of snow. This could turn out to be the worst storm of the century. Stay tuned as we bring more details by the minute!

<Billy is shown listening to the radio.>

Billy: This is great! Snowfalls like these are perfect for Christmas. I really should head back to work after the Holidays. They do miss me up there.

<Jessica walks downstairs really tired.>

Jessica: Well hello Billy. Nice to see you up early.

Billy: Where's dad?

Jessica: He left last night to head to New York City. He said he's going to be back today but with this weather I wouldn't be so sure.

Billy: Why aren't there presents?

Jessica: Presents? December, Tree, CHRISTMAS!

Billy: You forgot again?

Jessica: Well Benson and Saunders always bought the gifts. I forgot that they don't work for us anymore. I better head to the store.

Billy: But it's closed on Christmas.

Jessica: Not my place!

<Mary is sleeping and Burt is waiting at her bedside for her to wake up. She does and Burt screams....>

Burt: Merry Christmas!!!

Mary: Burt! Keep it down Scotty is still sleeping.

Burt: Let's open our gifts now. I have mine in the drawer.

Mary: Oh no. I forgot to buy the presents. I was in Washington D.C. when I planned on buying gifts. It slipped my mind.

<Mary gets out of bed and goes into her walk-in closet. She puts on a trench coat and walks out.>

Burt: Where are you going?

Mary: My store. I need to buy us presents.

Burt: Everything is closed!

Mary: This is a special place.

<Maurice is in his house and his parents walk out with a drink for him.>

Maurice: Thank mom. Listen I have some news. I want both of you to sit down.

<Joan and Ken (his parents) sit down and look worried.>

Maurice: I'm married!

Joan: That's wonderful!!!

Ken: When's the wedding?

Maurice: I had it...

Joan: You eloped?

Maurice: No. We had a wedding in Conneticut. I just thought with the little money you had left it shouldn't be wasted for my wedding.

Joan: You ungrateful child. This is your wedding and you wait to tell your parents?

Ken: What kind of parents do you think we are?

Joan: We would come to your wedding no matter how much money we had. But you have to dis-respect us like that then you can stay at a hotel and go back to Conneticut tomorrow.

Maurice: Are you serious?

Joan: Yes. Pack your bags. Merry Christmas!

<Julie is in the bathroom. Michael is pounding on the door from the outside.>

Michael: Mom get out! I have to use the bathroom!

Julie: Why aren't you using your own?

Michael: Alice is in there!

Julie: Just one moment!!!

<Julie looks at a something and gasps.>

Julie: It changed color. I think I'm going to throw up!

<Jessica is shopping in an aisle of the convenient store.>

Jessica: Well, this is the only place open I could find. Better look around for presents. I could get a bag of chips for Billy, a soda for Corinne, a disposable camera for Eunice and a new mop for Benson!!!!!

<Dutch comes downstairs crying while Corinne is drinking coffee. Dutch sits at the kitchen table.>

Corinne: Don't even tell me she did it.

Dutch: She left me again Corinne. She said I wasn't man enough for her.

Corinne: I'm so sorry Dutch. It will be okay. During New Years you can go out and meet a new woman and maybe something will happen from that.

Dutch: I can't do that to Eunice. She said she will return eventually.

Corinne: Fine Dutch, you can wait here and do whatever you would like but it's Christmas and we don't want to see you crying.

Dutch: I'm sorry. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to hunt Eunice down and kill her and whomever she's with.

Corinne: You don't even know if she's cheating on you.

Dutch: She is.

Corinne: Maybe she just needs to be alone. I mean Maurice is away and maybe we needed this vacation alone. I love him but sometimes he's too much. And let's not forget when I was married to Tim. I mean he would be praying all day long. It was a little hard to take a nap during high mass. Eunice is just taking a mini vacation.

Dutch: Are you sure?

Corinne: I know it.

Dutch: Thanks Corinne.

<Dutch goes to hug her but she backs away.>

Corinne: Let's not have a repeat of last time she left you.

Dutch: Well can I give you this present Corinne?

<Dutch takes out of his pocket a ring.>

Corinne: It's beautiful, but I can't take it. This was for Eunice and I don't want to take her gift or for you to be confused on your intentions on giving me the gift. Please Dutch, just wait for her to return, I know she will.

<Maurice is banging on the door.>

Maurice: Let me in!!!

Joan: Never! You have the nerve to not reveal to us you're married? Who do you think we are?

Maurice: I'm sorry. Listen you will love the family. You can come up and visit them I promise.

Ken: We don't want to visit them now.

Maurice: They are millionares.

Joan: Are you in the will?

Maurice: Eventaully.

<Joan and Ken open the door and Maurice walks in.>

Ken: It's great to have you up here son.

Tom: This will be a great party tonight!

<Alice walks downstairs and interrupts Tom and Julies conversation.>

Alice: Where is my birth certificate?

Julie: Umm Tom?

Tom: Why would you want it?

Alice: I have a hunch.

Tom: Well for your information the day after you were born there was a doctors strike and they never gave us your certificate, but don't worry honey, you're on file.

Alice: I knew you would give me some sort of excuse.

Tom: What?

Alice: Just admit it! I'm adopted!

Tom: Where would you get an idea like that?

<Chester walks into a bookstore. He has snow on him.>

Chester: This weather is horrible. I'm never going to get home. Let me look for a present here.

<Chester goes through the books and finds one. He picks it up and his face lights up.>

Chester: SOAP! A book about the two most dysfunctional families. I'm going to buy this for everyone! We could all probably learn from this story....

Tom: Honey you haven't said many words since we got into the car.

Julie: I don't know. I'm just staring at the sky and how beautiful the snow looks.

Robert: Are we there yet?

Tom: No!

Alice: Am I adopted?

Julie: No!

Robert: Are we there yet?

Tom: No!

Alice: Am I adopted?

Julie: No!

Robert: Are we there yet?

Tom: You're grounded Robert.

Benson: Mrs. Tate I just got off the phone with the Martins. They will be here in an hour and a half.

Jessica: Thank you Benson.

Radio: The snow is continuing to fall here in Conneticut. Predicted snow fall amounts throughout tomorrow morning are will over three feet. Everyone we warn you to get to your destinations before you get snowed in. This is going to be the worst storm of the century!

Julie: Tom I think we need to talk.

Tom: About what?

Julie: I'm pre...

Michael: Are we there yet?

Tom: Michael! Now you are grounded too! Julie what were you saying?

Julie: Oh never mind.

<Chester is outside of his car on a cell phone.>

Chester: You can't come out here? I know there's a huge storm, that's the reason why I need someone to fix my tires. A few hours????? I have to get to my family's house. They are worried sick about me. So you just want me to wait here for the time being? I understand. No I don't think I'll be somewhere else in the next few hours, because my car won't drive! Get out here as soon as possible!

<Danny is getting off the phone as Mary is doing some last minute cleaning.>

Danny: Guess what mom?

Mary: What?

Danny: I'm playing a televised concert on New Years Eve.

Mary: How much are you being paid?

Danny: $20,000!

<Elaine comes in.>

Danny: Elaine guess what? I'm playing on New Years Eve in a huge televised concert!

Elaine: You mean we won't be together?

Danny: No.

Elaine: I think we need to separate Danny. You're life isn't big enough for me too.

Danny: No don't say that.

Elaine: We'll talk about this after the party.

Danny: How about I take us out for a nice dinner tomorrow night for Hannukah and Christmas. Just the two of us?

Elaine: Really?

Danny: Yes.

Elaine: That's wonderful!

Danny: Well actually, I think I promised Adam Santrosa that I'd do a dress rehearsal tomorrow.

Elaine: Oh I get it, he's more important than I am. Mary, call me down when we're ready to leave for the Tates, I have to go rip up all of Danny's clothes.

<Maurice is watching television and Joan comes in.>

Joan: Where's your father?

Maurice: He went out a few hours ago?

Joan: Where?

Maurice: To the gym. He said he will be back for our dinner later this afternoon.

Joan: There's been a horrible accident by the gym, they described his car being part of it. Please go the hospital and make sure it wasn't him. Hurry!

Alice: Julie, when will we be there?

Julie: Call me Mom.

Alice: But you're not my Mom.

Julie: Yes I am!

Alice: I'll stop at nothing to find my biological parents.

Julie: Thomas!

<The doorbell rings. Jessica looks at Benson>

Benson: What? You want me to get that?

Jessica: If you don't mind.

Benson: Of course not. I only don't work here anymore but that's okay.

<The Martins come in.>

Julie: How are you Jessica? You look lovely tonight.

Jessica: Thank you. I'm doing well. It's been a long day organizing everything. I'm glad you were able to make it in this weather.

<The scene switches to Corinne and Dutch.>

Dutch: Corinne have you thought about my gift?

Corinne: Yes, and I can't take it. I'm sorry but it wasn't meant for me and I don't want to give you the wrong idea by taking it from you.

Dutch: I guess I understand.

<Corinne and Dutch hug each other and the doorbell rings.>

Benson: I know I'll get it.

<The Campbell's come in.>

Jessica: Hey everybody. Burt I hear you're looking to be our next mayor. Burt: Well it's all in the talking stages, elections are for a while anyways so anything can happen.

Jessica: Well good luck. And Danny how's the saxaphone doing?

Danny: Pretty good. I'm going to be on a live televised special New Years Eve!

Jessica: Oh how wonderful!

Danny: Well not really, unfortunately me and Elaine haven't been able to see each other as much lately.

Elaine: That's right Aunt Jessica, my husband is a yutz.

Danny: Don't start.

Jessica: Oh Mary I meant to ask you about the progress on the house you're building.

Mary: Well it's all in the talking stages so far.

Tom: But we plan on purchasing the house Mary builds for $400,000.

Mary: You are?

Julie: We are?

Tom: Merry Christmas! We're going to have a new house!

Doctor: Mr. Morinne, your father is in critical condition. He got a concussion from banging his head against the windshield from contact in the accident. There's really no telling what condition he will be in and or if he will even survive.

Jessica: Benson pass out some appetizers will you?

Benson: I don't work for you anymore! You said I am just a guest now.

Jessica: Well Benson with no hired service everyone is doing their share for the household duties.

Benson: So what you're saying is I will never have someone clean up after me?

Jessica: Yes, I'm sorry Benson but that's the way it is.

Benson: So I might as well just be the butler again with Saunders.

Jessica: Yes.

Benson: Great to be back in the work force again Mrs. Tate!

<Chester crashes in with snow covering him. He has a bag with his presents.>

Corinne: Daddy!

Chester: I'm back and feel so much better!

Burt: You were gone Chest? Oh yes that's right we were having fun here weren't we?

Mary: Burt...

Chester: That's okay because when I was in New York City I read this book called SOAP and it changed my life. These families in here have so many problems that it makes me feel normal.

Jessica: Well our family is pretty normal.

Chester: Right. Well it made me want to have fun with my life and live happier than I ever have so everyone take a copy of this book and read it for a few minutes. You will definately get your enjoyment out of it and see the light like I did.

<The camera shows everyone reading and Jessica begins speaking.>

Jessica: Wow that red head is crazy.....

Alice: Jessica, can I watch television upstairs?

Jessica: Of course you can.

<Alice is looking through photographs.>

Alice: Hey that picture is of me! My real parents must be Jessica and Chester Tate!

Jessica: Benson this turkey tastes like there's a tad bit of peanut butter in here.

Benson: Well that's because it has a special peanut butter spread covering it. It's a special recipe.

Julie: Everyone I have an announcement! I'm PREGNANT!!!!

<Tom starts choking!>

Tom: We're having a baby?

Julie: No it's Bensons....What do you think????

Tom: I'm going to be another daddy!

<Tom and Julie hug.>

Burt: Isn't this wonderful?

Mary: It makes me want to have another child too.

Burt: Oh no, we're not going through that again.

Chester: What's wrong Burt, do you go crazy when Mary is pregnant.

Burt: Not much more crazier than usual.

Chester: Oh yes let's remember how only a few years ago you were the invisible freak!

Burt: Is there anything wrong with me snapping my fingers like this?

<Burt snaps his fingers and dissapears.>

To Be Continued....

SOAP!